Disillusioned....

After being in the corporate world for almost 9 years, I think this past week was the worst ever that I've had to face...

I've always thought that as 'small fry', I'm not under anyone's radar as long as I did a good job. That's all that I care about, anyhow... I'm not particularly ambitious, unlike some people who target being a manager by a certain age, a senior manager etc etc... and I've always thought that as long as I did my job secara ikhlas and for the good of the company, things would be OK and I'd have done my responsibility as a staff (I'm not even talking about appraisals here OK)...

Boy, was I wrong....

Of all the things to happen to me, to be the subject of a 'surat layang' was the last thing I'd think of... In hindsight, those in the know realize I'm just a scapegoat, the person to be blamed with the least degree of consequences, but to me it's a huge blow... To have your credibility and competence questioned in such a manner is degrading, saddening, demoralizing.... To be made the target, when in actual fact the powers that be are the ones people are unhappy with, is not much consolation. Obviously the person(s) who wrote and sent the letter couldn't care less about the impact to me and my working life, even though their accusations were so off base that no one in their right mind would believe them...

This episode has soured my working life, even though I've been informed that no action will be taken towards anyone... Through all my professional struggles, I've not yet felt disillusioned with the company and the people in it, but now I am... completely disillusioned with management, with my fraternity, with the unknown person(s) around me who wrote that letter... The sad part was, I pushed myself to the limit to meet the impossible deadline set by management for this assignment... The vomiting came back with a vengeance, my head ached all the time, my body was physically drained every single day... My officemates were all concerned to see me in that condition, but I had no choice... I forced myself to contain the physical and mental stress every working day for the last month plus just to meet what we thought were the company's objective, only to be told in the end that the management had a new direction with regards to the project... Top that news with the letter, and you have the perfect recipe for a mental breakdown...

My poor baby's been showing signs of stress as well, with restless movements throughout the day every day... No wonder, with the degree of stress I'm still under... If I could afford to take unpaid leave this very minute, I would... I just have to get through the next 3-4 months, then I'd be at home for 2 blissful months, away from the sickness and craziness that is the working life... maybe after that I'd be able to take that unpaid leave...

Other people may be falling over themselves to join the company, but I know for sure I won't retire here... This was the final straw, and when my time's up, I'll take my leave...