Disillusioned....

After being in the corporate world for almost 9 years, I think this past week was the worst ever that I've had to face...

I've always thought that as 'small fry', I'm not under anyone's radar as long as I did a good job. That's all that I care about, anyhow... I'm not particularly ambitious, unlike some people who target being a manager by a certain age, a senior manager etc etc... and I've always thought that as long as I did my job secara ikhlas and for the good of the company, things would be OK and I'd have done my responsibility as a staff (I'm not even talking about appraisals here OK)...

Boy, was I wrong....

Of all the things to happen to me, to be the subject of a 'surat layang' was the last thing I'd think of... In hindsight, those in the know realize I'm just a scapegoat, the person to be blamed with the least degree of consequences, but to me it's a huge blow... To have your credibility and competence questioned in such a manner is degrading, saddening, demoralizing.... To be made the target, when in actual fact the powers that be are the ones people are unhappy with, is not much consolation. Obviously the person(s) who wrote and sent the letter couldn't care less about the impact to me and my working life, even though their accusations were so off base that no one in their right mind would believe them...

This episode has soured my working life, even though I've been informed that no action will be taken towards anyone... Through all my professional struggles, I've not yet felt disillusioned with the company and the people in it, but now I am... completely disillusioned with management, with my fraternity, with the unknown person(s) around me who wrote that letter... The sad part was, I pushed myself to the limit to meet the impossible deadline set by management for this assignment... The vomiting came back with a vengeance, my head ached all the time, my body was physically drained every single day... My officemates were all concerned to see me in that condition, but I had no choice... I forced myself to contain the physical and mental stress every working day for the last month plus just to meet what we thought were the company's objective, only to be told in the end that the management had a new direction with regards to the project... Top that news with the letter, and you have the perfect recipe for a mental breakdown...

My poor baby's been showing signs of stress as well, with restless movements throughout the day every day... No wonder, with the degree of stress I'm still under... If I could afford to take unpaid leave this very minute, I would... I just have to get through the next 3-4 months, then I'd be at home for 2 blissful months, away from the sickness and craziness that is the working life... maybe after that I'd be able to take that unpaid leave...

Other people may be falling over themselves to join the company, but I know for sure I won't retire here... This was the final straw, and when my time's up, I'll take my leave...

Of office politics and what you deserve...

I'm no good with office politics... I'm also no good with 'melayan bos' or managing bosses... I just try to get my work done in the best possible manner without sacrificing my family and my values...

I know some gurus say you need to market your own self to get ahead, but I subscribe to the belief that my boss is the one who should see what I do, recognize that and do the 'marketing' time appraisal time... so when I get stuck with someone who doesn't do that, then no matter what I do and how well I do it, I'll never be recognized for it... It's tough, you know, but at least I have the luxury of sleeping well at night anyway cos I have not thrown sand into someone else's rice pot...

Nevertheless, an chance encounter can and does bring pleasure to me at work, when it unexpectedly reveals what other people feel about you...

I bumped into one of the big bosses from my previous position (I recently transferred, remember?) and he asked about my new job... he casually mentioned that when the appraisal committee was discussing me, they wondered aloud why they let me transfer out... and these were the senior leaders that I only meet and talk to for formal, work-related matters... it feels good to know I've left some sort of positive impression, even though the formal recognition isn't there...

Right now at work people are talking about this one person who is hell-bent on pursuing her 'deserved' rating, without realizing that no one thinks she should get what she is chasing after... she is so sure that she's being victimized that it hasn't occurred to her that she's only getting what she deserves... and she's spiralling downwards as we speak, putting her entire career in jeopardy... the angrier she's getting, the more reason she seems to lose... all this while she's managed to get away with ratings that she didn't deserve because she 'managed her boss' well and marketed her staff's work as her own, and now that her boss has changed, she's finding that she can't get away with it anymore, and that people's called her bluff...

People in the know are saying 'what goes around, comes around...'

Nice guys (and girls) finish last, but they never lose sleep over it... and everyone eventually gets what they deserve anyway... So, based on your conduct, do you think you deserve something good in the end, or are you the only one who feels that way?

Let's hope the former, not the latter ye...

That Time of The Year - Part 3

I don't want to write too much about this... those in the know (my close friends included), know what has happened, and who the various parties to the situation are, and we all know who is responsible...

Just wanna go on the record to say... 'Apa punye orang la macam ni, punye bersungguh-sungguh hasad dengki.... other people fight tooth and nail for their staff's benefit, but this one fights to lower her staff down... ' I am not a vindictive person by nature, but this I will remember, and I will not forgive, ever.

To this person - Tuhan tu Maha Kaya, Maha Adil... everything that you've ever done to other people in the past (not just me) have been and will continue to be manifested in the states of various parts of your life. If you think back, you may figure out why you've been very unfortunate in some things... Doa orang yang teraniaya tu makbul... But somehow we (yes, that's right... WE - there are many others who share my thoughts) know that you feel you're such a good person & great employee that you don't have any shortcomings. You are so busy denying other people their rights, you don't remember your own responsibility towards those you're oppressing and not appreciating. Remember what other people have done for you when you were unable to do anything, and not just what you think they should be doing more....

As for me, if this is my rezeki, then I accept it...

The best system in the world is useless if the people implementing it perverts it for their own benefit...

I have closed my book on my association with this person....

That time of year... part 2

I knew it (insert cynical laugh here)...

Had a quick discussion with my boss right before we left the office last night... well, she said it's just a comment on my writeup, not yet a proper discussion...

But anyway... from the onset I could already get a sense of how she's going to do the appraisal...

I think I'm already immune to this by now, having 'suffered' the same way twice now... so the third time's not gonna break my spirit, would it?

All I know is.... as a superior, whatever you do, you should be fair to those who work with you, regardless of what the final outcome is. Rate people accordingly based on the results against the agreed standards, that's all.... please don't give excuses etc etc... don't say 'In the future, it'll be easier for you to get excellent ratings in your new position' - are you then saying it's hard for me to get it now, despite what I've achieved? Oh yea, that's right... you did say that... silly me... I can already see what's gonna take place, but time will show whether my hunch was right or wrong.

Never mind... I know what I've done, I know the efforts I've made... my rezeki is in the hands of a Higher Power...

I have always given my own staff their due recognition... insya-Allah I'll never forget to do that, despite whatever other people do to me...

Hai... camana la agaknya the actual discussion will be like?

That time of year...

Yes people, it's performance appraisal time!

For the third time in my working life (sedihnye... 3 kali je baru), I feel pretty good about my performance... kalau ikutkan my results against the agreed standards, I think I've exceeded quite a bit of them. Siap mintak Hubby's opinion as an outsider lagi hehehe...

However, I'm not keen to sit down with my superior and discuss my results... bukan apa, I can still remember what happened last year. I didn't do too badly, but somehow coming out from the discussion, it seems that even though what I delivered matched the agreed standards, she still felt it wasn't enough to give me a better than average rating... to me, that shouldn't be the issue, kan? Cos the standards were already agreed upon up front at the beginning of the financial year, so the appraisal should be based on those standards... but being me, jenis yang tak suka nak tegang-tegang leher defend diri sendiri, malas nak argue... I mean, the superior should know la what his/her subordinate has done throughout the year. Results pun I dah tulis sendiri, you be the judge la whether my self-rating is correct or not kan... at the end of the day, it's actually the ownership of the superior to decide on a fair rating and to defend the given rating to the committee... if you gave me anything less than what I deserve, Akhirat nanti jawab aje le...

So this year... my superior may change and do the review differently, but I dare not hope she has... cos if she hasn't, and it's gonna be the same thing all over again, then it's gonna be a meaningless exercise. It's not that I'm dying to get an excellent rating (I know the process... so many other people and factors come into play), but recognition from my immediate superior, if no one else, would definitely be a morale booster... otherwise, memang le buat keje tertonggang-terbalik semata-mata...

Oh well... we'll see how things go within the next few weeks... the submission deadline is looming... I'm soooo tempted to just submit my form and let my boss edit sendiri anything yang dia nak tukar kemudian...

Stressed Out!

Have you ever been in those situations where you are trying to maintain your superiors' face and not show that they didn't do what they're supposed to do, but with the expected result of making yourself look like a stupid idiot?











Well, I've been in that situation many times... is it because I'm a pushover? Am I being too nice? Whatever it is, to me, I should be covering my superior's a*# in front of other people, even if they didn't do what they were supposed to do, ie review & comment on my work, provide guidance & direction on what we're supposed to do, and a bunch of other things a superior is supposed to do... That's my principle - if my subordinate messed up, and it was detected in a public arena (eg. meeting) and it was something that I missed, then I would own up to it and not blame anyone else. Even if I was not involved in it, ie she did it on her own without needing my input, I would still hold myself accountable for it when dealing with others. After the meeting/discussion/whatnot, I can have my own talk with my staff on reviewing things within her own area, but I would not, repeat, NOT, blame her in front of others.

Unfortunately, we seem to have many people who are more than happy to just point out, 'Oh, I mentioned this to her already, but she didn't put that in', or 'I'm sorry, my staff messed up' - to all and sundry!!! No consideration given whatsoever to the person's feelings & face... I wonder, when they say these things, do they think about how it makes them look to the others? They look IRRESPONSIBLE, with no sense of ownership... not to mention being completely poor examples of leaders who cannot maintain their staff's self-esteem, among other things...

Forget about any thanks or even recognition for doing work beyond our own area of accountability (ie of a higher level)... what they see is just the things we didn't do, or did do but not well.... somehow the thought that it's not even ours to begin with no longer comes to mind, because everything is/has been delegated to us in the name of managing work effectively, and thus the accountability is ours, without the reward/recognition.

Oh why am I even bothering to say all this? Because this is the only avenue where I can voice out my feelings. I know it makes no difference to say all this here, but then again, it makes no difference to say it to the powers-that-be at work as well... only my colleagues know (and some, understand) what really takes place in the office...






Anyway, once again, my colleague and I were in a bind - do we answer truthfully, and make our superiors look bad in front of a higher authority, or try to cover as best as we could, but with the definite result that we look like unthinking idiots who don't know how to do their work?

I admit, I'm not the smartest at work, nor am I very good at strategic matters and stuff... but it's one thing to know and admit that I'm not smart, and another thing to feel stupid and small in front of my peers! I don't think any of us will feel good if people in our own department can make remarks like 'I don't see the value-adding activities that you do here'. Just because you don't seem to understand what we do, doesn't mean that what we work on doesn't add value to anything or anyone!

I'M SO STRESSED OUT!!! I NEED A DOSE OF RETAIL THERAPY!!!!

happiness is...

going for a course!!! hehehe...

I'm on the 2nd day of my 3-day course. Why am I happy? The course itself is something that I've been waiting to attend, so I am obviously happy about that. No 2 - I've got friends attending the same course with me (and sitting at the same table by design heheh), so that's a plus point as well. No 3 - I am away from the office!!! Hooorayyyy!!!!

I feel like I deserve a break from the office, as well as the chance to increase my knowledge. It's been a while since my immediate superior was in the office, and only those in the know understand what it's been like at work for me & my colleague for the past almost 3 months. Malas nak cerita lebih about work, but the experience is enough to drain us physically, emotionally & mentally. Moving forward, we're excited about the future changes in store soon, but for the moment things like training & courses (plus extra co-curricular pursuits like shopping of course :p) are enough to motivate us to continue what we do, where we are.

So here I am today, and my colleague is going for her course next week...

Brought my cute lappy to the course today, cos we get to use the venue's wi-fi connection... so if I have to wait for Hubby again today, I get to surf to my heart's content dulu... muahahahaha (insert evil laugh here)!!!!

Happy days are here again...

back to work

back at work after a week away, and already i wished i didn't have to come to work. honestly, it felt good to be at home... to spend time with my hubby and kids, to plan for our place, to do what needs to be done for the house (of course, this is no indication whatsoever that i would make a great housewife hehehe). it's totally liberating to do things my way, without feeling that someone else is going to judge me on what i do and give me a rating as he/she sees fit... to do things simply because they need to be done, not because they're nice to have...

oh well...